I was just thinking….
Really, the entire focus of my life is not just talking about grieving or my son’s death or drinking. It’s just that this happens to be the chapter of my life that’s on display once again.
In a little while, I am going to review the notes from my speech at the DUI car crash event from last May. I’ll do some more preparation tomorrow, then the next day is the taping.
I am certain that God will be there with me, giving me the words to say.
This past Saturday night, I attended a very nice banquet in honor of all the teachers selected for Teacher of the Year from their school. I was not selected, but someone from my team at school was. It was held at a very nice reception hall. It was where our son, Benji, was working at the time of his death. As I pulled in to the parking lot, the familiar desparation and pain of losing him jumped out from it’s box and pounced on me. God was there. He put it back for me, far enough away that I could enjoy the fellowship of other teachers and take in the moments and join in the laughter.
Tonight, I was repairing the piano bench. It has held momentos and pictures of the family for years now. I had to take all its contents out in order to renail the bench together. As I was putting everything back, I saw two school group pictures of Benji. One was a group picture when he was in preschool and the other was his second grade class. Remorse came jumping from the box then. I am so thankful to have the times that I did with Benji. People will say that I should remember the good times. I know. Still, the hurt is there and the fact that I miss him so much and I have so much to say to him that was never said….. it’s big. No, it’s huge.
He was a little boy who never should have grown up and died from a poor decision one Monday night. Satan runs around tempting the youth of this world to trade their lives for a feeling of acceptance and popularity.
I wasn’t very nice when I spoke last May. The situation doesn’t warrant NICE. It warrants seriousness and bluntness and reality. It also warrants love. Because I love these kids that I will never know, I want to somehow give them the knowledge to make a better choice—-and live. I won’t be nice Wednesday, either.
God, please let me say what You want me to. Help me, strengthen me to get through those moments, able to speak as You would have me to. Work through me according to Your purpose.
In Jesus’ Name, Amen
Benji Johnson
